HUMOR

NEW JOKES ADDED AT THE END

June Shapiro's washing machine broke down one evening so she called a repairman. Since she had to go to work the next day, she told him, "I'll leave the key under the mat. Please fix the washing machine, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, don't worry about my Rottweiler. He won't bother you. But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!"

When the repairman arrived at Ms. Shapiro's apartment (on Sheridan Avenue in the Bronx) the next day, he discovered the biggest and most intimidating Rottweiler he had ever seen. But as she had said, the dog just lay there watching the repairman go about his business.

However, the parrot drove him insane the entire time with his incessant loud squawking, cursing like a true Bronxite, and non-stop name-calling.

Finally the repairman couldn't contain himself any longer and yelled out, "Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!"

To which the parrot replied, "Get him, Killer!"

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A Rottweiler responds to an ad for work with the FBI.

"Well," says the personnel director, "You'll have to meet some strict requirements. First, you must type at least 60 words per minute."

Sitting down at the typewriter, the dog types out 80 words per minute.

"Also," says the director, "You must pass a physical and complete the obstacle course."

This perfect canine specimen finishes the course in record time.

"There's one last requirement," the director continues; "you must be bilingual."

With confidence, the dog looks up at him and says, "Meow!"

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Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a mother?

A: Eventually the Rottweiler lets go.

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Things I Wish My Dog Would Remember:

1. The garbage collector is not stealing our stuff.
2. I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.
4. I can shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE I enter the house.
5. I should not eat the cat's food, either before they eat if or after they throw it up.
6. It is not necessary to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to get sick.
7. The bathroom wastebasket is not a cookie jar.
8. I should not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.
9. If I chew crayons or pens, especially the red ones, my people will think I'm hemorrhaging.
10. Since we do not have a doorbell, I don't have to bark each time I hear one on TV.
11. I should not steal my mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.
12. The sofa is not a face towel.
13. My head does not belong in the refrigerator.
14. I should not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for mom's driver's license and car registration.
15. I should not play tug-of-war with dad's underwear when he's on the toilet.
16. If I eat mint-flavored dental floss out of the bathroom garbage, my people will think I have worms when they see a string hanging out of my butt.
17. I am not obligated to roll around in the dirt immediately after a bath.
18. The toilet bowl is not a never-ending water supply.
19. Sticking my nose into someone's crotch is not an acceptable way of saying hello.
And the most important thing that I wish my dog would remember...
20. The cat is not a squeaky toy, so when I play with him and he makes that noise, it's probably not a good thing

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IF...

If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,
If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,

If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when, through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,
Then you are probably the family dog.

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DOGGIE QUOTES

"If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went."
- Will Rogers

"We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made"
- M. Facklam

"Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people,who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate."
- Sigmund Freud

"The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of
his tongue."
- Anonymous

"Dogs need to sniff the ground; it's how they keep abreast of current events. The ground is a giant dog newspaper, containing all kinds of late-breaking dog news items, which, if they are especially urgent, are often continued in the next yard."
- Dave Barry

"Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog."
- Franklin P. Jones

"If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise."
- Unknown

"I wonder what goes through his mind when he sees us peeing in his water bowl."
- Penny Ward Moser

"A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down."
- Robert Benchley

"No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz

"I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult."
- Rita Rudner

"My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can.
That's almost $21.00 in dog money."
- Joe Weinstein

"Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful."
- Ann Landers

"There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face."
- Ben Williams

"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself."
- Josh Billings

"The average dog is a nicer person than the average person."
-Andrew A. Rooney

"Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog,
it's too dark to read."
--Groucho Marx

"Ever consider what they must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a
grocery store with the most amazing haul -- chicken, pork, half a cow. They
must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!"
---Anne Tyler

"If I have any beliefs about immortality, it is that certain dogs I have
known will go to heaven, and very, very few persons."
- James Thurber

"Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and
get used to the idea."
- Robert A. Heinlein

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CLEAN DISHES

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a secluded, rural area of the state. After spending the night, his grandfather prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. He noticed a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are these plates clean?"
His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get them so go on and finish your meal."
That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch, he noticed tiny specks around the edge of this plate, and a substance that looked like dried egg yolks, so he asked again "Are you sure these plates are clean?"
Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather say, "I told you before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them, now don't ask me about it anymore!"
Later that afternoon, he was on his way out to get dinner in a nearby town. As he was leaving, Grandfather's Rottweiler started to growl and would not let him pass. "Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching, Grandfather shouted, "COLDWATER...GET OUT OF THE WAY!"

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TALKING ROTTWEILER

This guy sees a sign in front of a house "Talking Rottweiler for Sale." He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a Rottweiler sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the dog replies.

"So, what's your story?"

The Rottweiler looks up and says, "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.

I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

The owner says "Ten dollars."

The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"

The owner replies, "He's such a liar. He didn't do any of that stuff he told you."

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A Rottweiler walks into a grocery store, picks out some bread, apples and a newspaper and proceeds to the checkout counter.

The amused clerk decides to play along and says, "That'll be $1.89, please."

To the clerk's surprise, the dog counts out exactly $1. 89 and places it on the counter before leaving with the bag of groceries.

Amazed, the clerk follows the dog down the street, watching the dog stop at every crosswalk and obey every traffic signal.

A few blocks later, the dog arrives at a house, puts down the bag of groceries and scratches at the front door. A man comes out and starts scolding the dog.

The clerk runs up and says, "What are you doing? This has got to be the smartest dog in the world!"

"Smart?" says the man, shaking his head. "This is the third time this week he's forgotten his keys!"

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If you want someone who will bring you the paper without first tearing it apart to remove the sports section,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone willing to make a fool of himself simply over the joy of seeing you,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone who will eat whatever you put in front of him and never says its not quite as good as his mother made it,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone always willing to go out, at any hour, for as long and wherever you want,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone who will never touch the remote, doesn't give a damn about football, and can sit next to you as you watch romantic movies,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone who is content to get up on your bed just to warm your feet and whom you can push off if he snores,
Buy a Rottweiler.
If you want someone who never criticizes what you do, doesn't care if you are pretty or ugly, fat or thin, young or old, who acts as if every word you say is especially worthy of listening to, and loves you unconditionally, perpetually,
Buy a dog.
But, on the other hand, If you want someone who will never come when you call, ignores you totally when you come home, leaves hair all over the place, walks all over you, runs around all night and only comes home to eat and sleep, and acts as if your entire existence is solely to ensure his happiness.
Then my friend,

Buy a cat!
(You thought I was talking about men didn't you!)

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet and says, "My dog is cross-eyed. Is there anything you can do for him?"

The vet picks the dog up and checks him out, and finally says, "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What?! Just because he's cross-eyed?"

"No, because he's really heavy!"

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A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to take off when another man with a Rottweiler occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

The Rottweiler is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.

He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival.

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Rottie sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number.."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb!"

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Two women that are dog owners are arguing about which dog is smarter.

First woman: "My dog is so smart, every morning he waits for the paper boy to come around and then he takes the newspaper and brings it to me."
Second woman: "I know."
First woman: "How?"
Second woman: "My Rottweiler told me."

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If you think you're a person of some influence, try ordering my Rottweiler around.

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"Do you know the present value of your husband's policy?" the life insurance salesman asked his client.
"What do you mean?" countered the woman.

"If you should lose your husband, what would you get?" asked the salesman.
The woman thought a minute, then brightened up and said, "Probably a Rottweiler."

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Caution!

KAROUSEL KENNELS
(since 1969)

Caution!

KAROUSEL KENNELS (since 1969)

KAROUSEL KENNELS
(since 1969)